Living Life With The “Under or Over-Achieving Child”
I find it almost funny when I hear contrasting conversations as I walk down my studio hallways, regarding homework, projects, academic-school grades, test results and report-cards. Half of my clientele shares that they are forced to ‘take away dance’ as a means to show their children that they are serious about them maintaining high academic grades that ‘earn the privilege’ of going to dance class. The other half complains that their ‘high and over-achievers’ exhibit almost neurotic behavior, feeling like the world is crashing down on them when they fall short of perfection both academically and in the dance studio! Children ‘punished’ by taking away sports or The Arts will find other ways to act out their built-up and held-in emotions when their opportunity to ‘let it all out on the dance floor’ is arbitrarily taken away. As a mother of two grown adults, I know the extent we all go through as parents to make-a-point and follow through with our words. But sometimes the long-term effects of our actions don’t often surface until many years later.
The under-achiever in life may be complacent with just ‘getting by’, exhibiting little effort to improve or be acknowledged. The under-achieving dance student often places themselves in the back row or at the end of a line, in fear of being noticed, singled out or any eye-contact made. Their body-language may demonstrate a lack of self-confidence in both taught movement and natural carriage, and they are often mistaken by their instructors as ‘not-caring or trying’. As a dance educator going on 40 years, I have found that these children actually do enjoy attending classes but ‘shrink’ when it comes to the slightest competitive challenge or comparison to others. They prefer to remain anonymous in their own space, withdrawing from the spotlight, while still finding a personal satisfaction in mastering movement and choreography. In comparison, the over-achieving student places themselves front and center, directly behind the instructor, asking detail-oriented questions. They are fixated on the instructor’s detail of movement, their body-language and personal eye-contact, aiming to draw their focus and attention. With the sole intent to please both themselves and others, they thrive on competition and comparison, seeking to earn the praise and admiration of all. Unlike the under-achiever who dances and performs for himself, the over-achiever performs for others with an adrenaline rush brought on by applause and compliments. As parents and educators, we must be careful not to ‘label’ our children too soon… In our ‘life-journey’, we ultimately find ourselves and surface as thriving individuals, in all levels and aspects of success!
Being on the soccer or ball field, a tennis or basketball court, a swim team, in music studies or on the dance floor, children find these extra-curricular activities as a means to identify their place in the world. Whether the outfielder or the dancer in the back line, children find their niche where they feel most comfortable and accepted. Rather than constantly riding them about not doing enough or questioning how they can possibly handle more, maybe it’s best that we just simply ask, “How was your day today?” , letting their words naturally flow without consequence. Reserving our negative comments and personal opinions for a better suited opportunity will naturally limit untimely confrontation, anger and the unintended retaliation of both parties. If in most parent-child situations it was as simple as saying, “Share with me your thoughts and let’s tackle them together”, it might open up a whole new appreciation and understanding of each other on a different eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart level.
My Dellos staff is now using a similar approach in their dance classes. Rather than expecting and requiring their students to perform individually, they now ask, “WHO would like to demonstrate this skill or combination, alone?. This allows the shy child to enjoy the experience of other classmates without the fear of personal embarrassment or perceived peer pressure. Our sons and daughters attempt to communicate to us daily with often misread attitudes, strong words and un-intended actions, all in an attempt to get our attention or please us. Things slip out in our moment of rage that we wish could be taken back. With the responsibility of being our youths’ mentors and role-models, we should simply try to become better listeners, unconditionally more supportive, nurturing and loving, and the rest will all fall into place!
